Entry 21

20:59

I feel thoroughly uncomfortable.

The past days, things have happened and for some reason – for some insane, crazy reason I can’t stand my house. Coming to my apartment after a long day of school was always the best part of the day. Don’t misunderstand, I still love being home, but for some reason I feel very uncomfortable there. The house is empty and it’s very quiet.

Normally this wouldn’t be a problem. In fact, I actually enjoyed the silence. Outside my apartment it usually gets very crowded and noisy so I used to love the days when it was silent. I can’t stand it anymore. Every since that happened and it’s already been almost 10 days – I can’t seem to get myself back to how I was. Now, it’s quiet and the quiet makes my heart heavy.

I’m one of those people who like to ponder over things. After something happens, I believe in overcoming not avoiding. Avoiding a problem, a situation, a heartache is just going to make it resurface a couple of months later and cause me distress when I cannot afford to be distressed. What is more, accumulated heartache is just ridiculous – it’s like a recipe for an unhealthy mind. So, I go about the healthiest, most annoying route of dealing with my life and that is to talk myself through the situation. I will actually examine how that heartache that I experience affected me and what do I do to get a bit better.

Overall, I am great! That’s the damn strange part. I felt very sad for a day, very insecure for three days and after that I had talked myself through the heartache and have now come to a point (10-15 days later) where I genuinely enjoy what I’m doing and the decision I made. I am utterly content. But apparently, not content enough in my solitude. I don’t particularly want company, but I want background noise. This place is standing still. It is so quiet. I wonder how much more time it will take me before I’m okay with the stillness too.

Maybe I’m homesick?

I hadn’t thought about that option. Since that happened, and that affected my life for a good 7 month period, I think I have a before and after that in my mind. I forgot to take into account other things that could affect me.

I do miss home. A lot. It’s very different from my first year abroad. This year, the courses are heavy, I’m constantly busy. My study days are more than 14 hours of work – every single day. I just wish there were people around the house doing their own thing while I was doing mine. I don’t particularly want to talk to anyone. The house in my country is always full and there’s always background noise. My parents discussing a book, my sister playing League, my little brother laughing at some movie and my grandmother snoring – my aunt cooking in the kitchen.

I miss the scent of coffee from back home and my father’s opinion on the newest political problems. I miss the people. The sun. The warmth.

It’s so gloomy in here, no wonder this country has the highest rate of suicide in the world. What do you do when you only have brief memories of sunshine?

But, I want to work through this and I have been. Accepting a problem and rationally looking at is one of my fortes. I’m very realistic with anything that happens in my life.

On a brighter side, I’ve been reading a lot. I finished another book from Malcom Gladwell “The Outliers” (which is of course brilliant – I love the way he writes). I read “Do not say we have nothing” from Madeline Thien and that’s such a good book, so heartbreaking. In the beginning it wasn’t as pensive (it never is light to be honest), but the last 100 pages were so meditative. I really liked one of the questions she asked: “Can a single hand cover the sky? How can we live like this and know so little?”

I read “Please look after mom” from Kyung Suk Shin. It’s a good read, but to be honest it’s not that memorable… It’s one of those books that makes you feel horrible about not calling your mother more often. I started calling my mom everyday after reading it. My sister borrowed it and she says the same. She was telling me that she was just going to read it when we went back home so mom will be right there and she won’t feel so bad.

One other update. I’ve stopped talking to Sam, we decided it wasn’t a good idea to be friends. I agree. I never really liked him while we were friends, so it wasn’t that big of a change for me, but the prospect of me doing something stupid and eventually like him was there, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

21:23

I’m practicing what I was preaching and I’m going to finish my assignment in complete silence. No background music, nothing!

22:41

I really can’t get into Ernest Hemingway. I just – ugh… What’s up with the story “On the Quai at Smyrna”? What the hell, man.

23:00

Currently having tea and a pomegranate. I bought a bunch when I went to the market with my friend today. It’s a pain to cut open though, took me straight up 10 minutes of cutting to be able to finally eat it.

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